Who’s that pretty face? – My journey with self esteem

So lets start at the beginning. I wasn’t always this pretty face that you see in this picture. In fact I was quite the opposite.

I had fuzzy curly unruly hair that did its own thing. I was 5 ft 10 when every girl around me was5 ft 2. I was a ‘big’ girl’. But to be honest with you none of that bothered me. I kind of knew my place. I excelled at academics, I was funny, I was great at sport and had lots of friends. So not being a beauty in those days was, although noticeable, it was not my priority.

I always loved style and dressed to the latest fashions. I was popular among my peers, but nobody ever wanted to date me. My strengths had always been based on my personality and brains. In my heart I can honestly say that I was never the girl dreaming of a white wedding and children. I was surrounded by children as the eldest of 11 cousins. Kids were aplenty. I came from a wonderful family background, raised as a catholic and had my mum, dad and little sis. Four wonderful grandparents who doted on me and a very large extended family. So this was all the family I needed (It remains so too.) So my dreams were always focused on me becoming a respected, effective and strong business woman.

I graduated high school with great results and moved on to sixth form college to study A Levels. At this point I was around 17.

Life was good. Friends, parties and boys had started to notice a difference in me that I hadn’t noticed myself. I applied for university in Southampton to study business. In the summer of 1993 having got good results at A Level I went on girls holiday. On the second day in I called home to check all was ok. To my complete disbelief my paternal nan had died. This changed my future forever.

I was left heartbroken. And as you know from my post, Where have I gone? Life changed in every aspect after this.

But we are talking about self esteem here. At 19 I had my first boyfriend. He pursued me quite intently and at the time I had no idea why? I was not used to this type of attention. I was no beauty. Looking back at the photos now, I can see why.

We started dating, and looking  back he was a very good man and I will always be grateful that he was my ‘First’. Our relationship was great overall but we struggled when my mental health problems started. We lasted 3 years and during that time my confidence in the way I looked had improved.  However, when I started taking the anti-depressant medication I ballooned in weight. I gained 3 stone in 9 months. I didn’t care about anything else other than feeling so well again. Plus I was in a loving relationship I just didn’t notice.  But my boyfriend did. And so did his friends. Soon the taunts and jibes about my weight started. Still, I remained strong of character and it didn’t effect me. Then finally when our relationship was coming to an end due to countless arguments, I took a look in the mirror. It was like I was seeing myself for the first time and I thought ‘Oh my goodness, you are fat!’ This had an immediate effect on me. I immediately felt ashamed. I immediately thought, ‘Well no wonder he doesn’t find me attractive any more’. From this point on, and still somewhat to this day, I associated being loved with the size of my waistline.

What’s ridiculous about this is that this is completely untrue. I have known and still know so many beautiful women with a fuller and curvier figure who have had success in life and love. So why then does this thought still taunt me occasionally? Why am I afraid to show my face without makeup? Everyone around me tells me I’m beautiful with or without it and no matter how large or small I am.

It maybe because I remain single? It maybe because of the countless other relationships over the years that didn’t end up working out. It might be because I have a ‘brainlock’ on this issue. I have lost and gained weight so many times over the years and I know exactly what works and what doesn’t. The problem is that when you are dealing with numerous health issues, turning to food for comfort is sometimes inevitable.

I’m here writing this post from a much better and healthier perspective today. I have worked hard to LOVE myself. I already loved the person on the inside, it was just the outside that was giving me problems. I no longer am afraid to look in the mirror. In fact I now use an affirmation where I look in the mirror and say ‘I Love You!’. This was so very hard at first when I had spent years saying some pretty awful things to myself. I remember reading a Trinny and Susannah book, back in the day: ‘What not to wear’. They had the opinion that too many of today’s women do not appreciate themselves just the way they are. Everyone always wants what they cant have. It seems that us ladies say some pretty awful things to ourselves – things we would never dream of saying to a friend or loved one – so why is it ok to put ourselves down in this way?

I urge you to start looking in the mirror and saying ‘I Love You’ and to keep checking your internal dialogue. Some of the most beautiful and confident women I know are beautiful because their good heart shines through their eyes. Some of the ugliest people I know, are actually quite beautiful on the outside, but the inside is not worth knowing. So please, and I promise to continue to do this with you, be kind to yourself. Love yourself, no matter what the outside shows. Be grateful for all you have instead of always wanting something else. Don’t be so cruel to yourself. You are one of God’s perfect and unique creations, and we need you just as you are. You can achieve anything you put your mind to, just believe in you! I Do!

Good Luck. Huge hugs from me to you K xxxx