A Journey Inwards

I didn’t know when I launched the blog back in March last year that I was about to embark on one of the hardest periods of my life. Not only did the anxiety and depression rear its head to breaking point, but my body was failing. In front of my eyes I was becoming less and less of the person I had known. 

Pain and crippling fatigue had left me mostly housebound with the odd good day. I missed so many social occasions, holidays and big events. All things that 2 years ago I would have managed.

Most days it was hard to get out of bed for one reason or another. But most days I did. As soon as a good day came, I would desperately grasp at it. But it never stayed. Just walking a flight of stairs left me exhausted. Putting a face of makeup on was too much. (I never thought I’d see that day) I was fighting something I’d never known before. The Chronic Fatigue was worse than ever before. The Fibromyalgia was worse than ever. It was taking the wind out of me every day.

There were no answers from anyone. Doctors did their best to control the physical problems, but really nothing helped. I was starting to lose hope.

I had had high hopes for a good year. With plenty of ideas on how I would build this blog. But it didn’t quite go to plan.

What’s interesting about this is that through these dark days and periods where I thought I would never get through, I was unwittingly allowing myself time and space to look at ‘me’. For I had never, in all my years, really been with myself. Not for long periods of time. So when presented with endless days in bed, I read. I read anything and everything that could possibly lead to recovery. Whether it be books on mindfulness or self love or biographies of those who had been through the journey to the other side.  (Go to my book shelf for some of the best).

Whilst there is too much to go through bit by bit. What I wanted to get across is that whilst in this hellish place, I was blessed with time. Time to look at myself; my attitude; my behaviour; my thoughts about myself; my lack of love for myself ; my relationships; my faith and spiritually. All of which, without me realising at the time, has brought me to today.

And today, even though there are still the odd dark days, I believe I am well on the way to healing. In a loose sense. What I mean is that, me as a person, has realised my own worth; my strength, my abundance and my weaknesses. I no longer feel like I’m grasping. I’m happy. I’m content. Life is good.

Today I saw my beloved  3 year old niece graduate from nursery. It’s one of the happiest moments of my life. She is my angel girl and has brought so much joy to me during such dark times. And so to be there today, for the whole day was incredible. I was happy, strong and present. So I am hugely thankful.

I am also so happy that even through this difficult time I have had you. My readers and followers, who continue to support my writing. And my writing has been such a blessing. To be able to share my thoughts and have something to focus on has been immeasurably comforting. So I thank you.

Through all the pain and darkness, I have again come through it as a better person than I was before. More rounded. More grounded. More secure.

When you’re juggling a life full of responsibility and you’re struggling mentally too, it’s not too often you get the chance to really take a look at what’s wrong. But I was blessed with this chance. And I’m grateful for it.

I’m still me as I ever was. But hopefully a better version again.

When I started the blog, I truly believed my days of fighting demons were behind me. But it seems the fates had other ideas. Its been one of the hardest times of my life health-wise, but also the most liberating.

So it is my hope to continue to share with you my advice and my experience. In the most basic hope that it helps you. Even just one of you.

Dark times come to us all. It is said that this is when true enlightenment comes. I now believe this is true.

So take some comfort my loves. If you’re at your lowest ebb or darkest place. Know that at this time you can really get to know yourself. And with patience and love and care for yourself, you will come through. Bigger and better than ever.

So hold on. Hold tight. The good stuff is just around the corner.

My love and strength to you always. Onwards and upwards my loves xxx