Where’s my champion?

With Valentine’s Day and what I call ‘Love Day’, just around the corner. I thought it would be nice to share this piece I wrote a while ago ❤️….

I’ve not really ever talked about my personal life – or rather my love life. Not because I’ve ever avoided it or been embarrassed by it, but because it’s generally not something I think about all that often. I am single and have been for too many years to count. There have been a lot of men in my life; some relationships, some friendships that led to relationships, some friendships and enough heat of the night dalliances. But nothing has stuck.

Back when I was in my late teens I was in a relationship for 3 years. He loved me intensely and I basically didn’t know what to do with and how to respond to this love. I loved him, in my way, but he wasn’t what I envisaged the love of my life to be. He wanted serious commitment in terms of marriage and houses and babies, and when I look back now, I just wasn’t ready. At the tender age of 22, I did not imagine my life to be so ‘held down’; I had hopes and dreams for how my life would be. I had hopes for a career. So being a wife and mother did not hold appeal to me right then.

If I’m honest, being a wife and mother was never something I aspired to be. I was just not that girl dreaming of a white wedding and babies.  I had always been focused on my brain and academics. I knew I wanted a career first. But that said, somewhere in my mind, I definitely thought I would be married with babies at some point. And certainly by the ripe age of 44!

My family is very close. I have a tonne of cousins and as the eldest I was surrounded by babies. So I mothered them and coddled them, changed their nappies and dressed them. I walked with them through every stage of their life and then at the right age, I showed them all the bad things to do. So by the time it was time to have babies of my own, I think I had already done my mothering.

Life took different turns along the way. Having ended the first relationship I went back to university and studied for my law degree. I met a boy on my first day of college and we hit it off. We became inseparable for the next 8 years. I loved him with all my heart, but again, it was not meant to be. We went our separate ways and I focused on my life at work and with friends. I had a fantastic time partying and living a good life. I bought my own house, my career was going well. Men came and went, but no-one ever really made me love them, the way I loved him.

I love men. I love male company. Over the years I have been lucky to call a lot of them friends.  I think that looking back, a few of them were trying to tame me and show me they loved me, but I was definitely too much of a gypsy-soul and I never saw the signs of love calling. In terms of finding a love interest though, I just have not been urged to pursue it.

When you suffer chronic ill-health, thinking about a life partner is really not at the top of the list. Most days I’m managing just to keep myself alive. That and a house plant. So priorities really change. And ill-health to this extent does not leave much room for energy in the bedroom.

I did have a libido. Once. A great one. But that seems to have up and disappeared too, with the onset of a barrage of health problems and a looming hormonal shutdown. So I feel the yearning for love and connection gets put so far behind. For now.

But in saying all that, I’ve often wondered how life would be by now, if I had already been married or partnered when my health took a turn for the worst. I daydream and think that it would be nice to have had someone with me. Someone for me. Someone to hold me up and share my pain. But I’m also fully aware that I would never have been able to give a relationship the time, effort and love that it needs to sustain. And so I accept that maybe a guardian angel had my back.

Since I have been feeling much stronger, I have thought about it more. It’s more a case of wondering how I got to the age of 45 and have not settled down? And why was marriage and kids not on the agenda for me? What was God thinking? Why am I so different to all my friends and family? Why has some amazing man not come into my life and blown me away? Why am I alone?

Obviously these are big questions. The honest answer is, I don’t know why. There seems no logical reason. I’m not perfect, but who is?! So where is he?

My late Grandmother told me on so many occasions, that it just wasn’t meant for me at this time in my life and that he will come when the time is right. As the wisest person I ever knew, I was and remain happy to agree with her.

So I will wait.

I hope there is a good guy out there somewhere for me. I have a lot of love to give to the right person. But, I am not seeking him. I am not in any way pinning my life on finding a soul mate. I am not desperately seeking my other half. I think to focus too much on it is not good. It would drive a person crazy.

My friends may say I don’t focus enough, but I am happy. In fact I am really happy. Life has been really tough the past few years, so to find myself in a place of almost Zen, where my mind and body are starting to come back to life a little, is enough for me right now.

I feel blessed in every other way.

I have loved a lot of men over the years, in different ways. Some have loved me and I not loved them. Some I loved and they did not love me. Its been eventful and exciting at times, but nothing has worked out in the normal sense. Maybe I was too emotionally unavailable or too giddily over enthusiastic. Maybe I was too much. Maybe I was not enough. Who on earth knows?!

I am very independent. Probably to a fault, but I do want someone with quiet strength to come and tell me to put down the ropes. In Liz Gilbert’s, ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, her love interest in the end says to her : “You don’t need a man Liz, you need a champion!” And that’s how I like to see it. I am waiting for my ‘Champion‘. If you know him or have word of him, then please do let me know.

If you are single, in a relationship or not sure what you are, then I wish you luck. As far as I can see it, relationships are hard, real hard. It takes commitment, compromise and sacrifice on a daily basis. But it is worth it. I am lucky to be surrounded by some of the best relationships there are. From my grandparents, to parents, aunties and uncles, my sister, cousins, friends. They all do an amazing job at being part of a union. So it is amazing to me that I never wanted exactly the same. Maybe it’s  because I have been surrounded by the best, that I am waiting for the best.

My Pap always told me it would take a special man, to win me. One with big hands. Isn’t that incredible?! I hold that thought so dear. And he was the greatest of men and his opinion mattered above all else. So let’s wait for this man. Hopefully the one with big hands and an even bigger heart.

I think a lot of single females feel pressure to be in a partnership, as though we are not enough if we stand alone. Fortunately I have never felt that way. I feel strong either way. But I am reading more and more that being single is the new black. A lot of todays’ women are not desperate to settle down. They want instead to travel, build a career and generally have fun and live their lives; having moments with the opposite sex here and there, but not making it the be all and end all. We have options these days. Options that at one time did not exist.

That said. I still admit that someone to cuddle and kiss my shoulder in an off-chance embrace, would still be lovely.

In the mean time I will continue to focus on loving myself. That’s always a priority. So whilst I focus on self-love and appreciation, I will happily go about my life with new zest, with the distant hope that ‘Champion‘ turns up one of these days.

Onwards my loves,

Kikix

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