DEPRESSION // Getting through. Your way.
How do you get through clinical depression on a daily basis?
I ask myself this question daily. Certainly when close friends and family ask me “how can you tolerate the mental pain all the time? “The answer is – I don’t really know. I guess in a sentence it would be “I just do, I do it my way. “
There are therapies, tips and techniques (some of which I’ve already covered here on the blog) but the truth is, I believe, each person has to fight to survive in their own individual way. I think it’s very personal. To find what fits for you. Your way.
Use all the techniques. As frequently and effectively as you can. But, I think I’m learning more and more, that although there are techniques for better mental health, when you’re in the thick of it, anything goes.
I’ve been in this place before. It wasn’t exactly the same. But very similar. Days when you wake and you know you have a distressing day ahead. Whether that be a mental fight and/or a physical one. When you wake knowing this, it’s hard to face another day. But I can honestly say, I’ve never not faced it. Now, how I’ve faced it will differ on different days ; some days I sleep it away; other days I eat it away. Some days I cry way too much. And I pray like crazy and hold tight to my family for comfort. Mostly, I grasp at small pleasures, like watching my niece grow for a few hours; or doing my daily skincare routine ; or I do chores; or online shopping to ridiculous levels, (dreaming of better days to wear my new purchases!!); or doing yoga ;or reading every possible self help book ever published;or eating a box of Mr Kipling fondant fancies! (Don’t tell me you haven’t done something similar!). And now I write, from the heart, as well as journal each day. For me, anything goes. Because in truth, you’re just about surviving. It literally is day by day, hour by hour.
One thing I most definitely do, is withdraw from most aspects of normal life. This is not because I want to. It’s because I need to. I have to. I need to hold in reserve any semblance of energy that I have for myself. To get me through that day and the days coming.
Being Kiki has always taken great energy. I’m learning this now. I am, by nature, a high energy person. Not in a bad way. In a way that means I am described as outgoing, funny, loving, kind, considerate, and I like to be happy. I like Kiki. And I’ve never wanted to bring the party down, only to lift it. But all of this takes energy. Energy that these days, I sadly just don’t have. So rather than be present in half doses, I withdraw, until I’m full steam ahead again (at least half steam, anyway). This is MY way. Others may be completely opposite and throw themselves into every social aspect of their life to take their mind off their troubles. I’ve never been able to do that. My mind just doesn’t allow it. There is no space. It is all consuming.
Withdrawing from my friends, work, going out, all of those things. I just have to do it. And I accept this about myself. It’s MY coping technique. When I’m at my lowest ebb, when I have very little of Kiki to give anyone, I have to hold her in reserve for myself.
I also hate for those who know and love me to see me battered. The way I figure it; you don’t see me naked, so why would I show my most vulnerable self to anyone. But I have done it. And its never a bad thing. But anyone who knows me well and has seen me through these episodes before, knows that this is what I have to do. They accept it. They support me in their way by regular messages and conversations, they send cards and flowers and wait patiently for me to heal. To say I’m grateful for this is an understatement. I withdraw to lay pathways for the better future. A future where I can look back on these dark days with pride. Not fear and regret.
I have no notion or wish to function at half speed, at mediocre – I’m more than that, I know. So I roll with it. Quietly and withdrawn. In my way.
Now this does not mean that I’m ashamed. I am not. I have told the world in this blog about my mental and physical health problems. And all those closest to me have seen the naked truth. But for me to save my self I have to protect myself too. I do this in the full and unrelenting belief that I will get better and I will shine again.
So I roll with it. I do MY thing; I withdraw ;I focus on my health, my mind and body. I give what little I have to my immediate family. And as soon as some strength appears I give it to my family and best friends too.
I also make the most of the good days. I grab them with both hands. I get dressed up, I go out shopping, I see friends. Whatever it is that makes me feel good and gives me a feeling of wellbeing. I bank these days to give me strength through the tough days.
I can and have given you advice on what you can do to help through days of depression. But again, this time round, I’ve realized that when you’re beaten down by this demon, you must get through in whatever way you can, to get to the other side. There are no rules. And you WILL get to the other side. Whether by lifestyle changes, medication, therapies or just good old fashioned, giving it time. When you get there you should be proud. So, so proud of yourself. Because to live each day with any sort of serious mental disease is torture. To the mind and spirit.
Do not worry what others think. If they love you and you’re open about your struggle, then I’m more than sure they will understand. If you are not honest with them, then how can they understand? How can they support you? So tell them your pain. Then go about getting through it till you reach the other side.
So rather than me tell you again to get exercising, eat clean, take your vitamins (I do advocate every one of these and do them) I’m telling you like it is. You already know the text book way. Just get through in your way. It’s the only way, for you. But with every ounce of my being, I’m telling you to never, ever, ever give up. Light will shine again. You will shine again.
Onwards my loves, Kiki xox
” You are smart, you are kind, you are beautiful and you are important.”
