What is depression? – A creative narrative
It is a hole. An abyss. A place where all feeling leaves you. Apart from the deepest of sadness. And fear. Its fear like you have never known. A fear of never feeling whole again. All that once ignited your soul, now leaves you empty. You want to be alone. Alone with your thoughts. Away from judgement and prying eyes. To weep. To weep internally and externally for the deep loss that you feel. The loss of the person you once were. The person who was happy. Carefree. The person who loved life and everything in it. But now? Nothing gives you that same joy. There is no joy.
“Will I always feel this way?” you ask yourself. Will the darkness lift to let even the smallest amount of light through? You are self absorbed. You wallow. Nothing brings comfort except maybe to sleep. But that’s only if you can.
You have no interest in washing, dressing, brushing your teeth. All of that seems pointless. You have no appetite, or crave only comfort foods. The despair is so bleak that the light in your eyes goes out. There is life, but there is no soul. The soul is tortured by nothingness.
Futile attempts to ‘pull yourself together’ are exactly that – futile. If you could do it, you would have done it a hundred times over. Thoughts of death come. Then your own death. Would that bring peace? Everything is dark. You don’t want light. Light only makes you feel more dark.
Those who are around you and care for you, offer comfort. Suggestions to maybe go for a walk or eat something. Get out of bed. Live. They do no know that these things do nothing for you. By the very fact that all the things that once gave you pleasure, no longer do, creates only more pain. You are broken. No longer whole.
See my previous post: What do I do if I think I’m depressed?
8 Comments
margaret j
06/01/2015 at 4:58 pm
although I am no longer in this pain…….anyone who has ever had a day of real depression will recognise the way you
have so eloquently described this misery. Once you have had this experience it is something you cannot forget. But it is so
reassuring that hopefully we can all look back on the darkest of those days and maybe help others through theirs. Thank you for honesty and compassion………..M
BITD
06/01/2015 at 5:03 pm
Thank you M. I truly hope that this piece and others will reach out and let people know that this pain is real. Very real. I encourage you to continue to share the yet unmatched level of experience that you have for the good of others. You know that without your pain, I would never have got through mine. Forever grateful. Always yours. K x
Anma
10/01/2015 at 12:22 am
An extremely accurate description of the darkest place of one’s mind. Thankfully with the help of unconditional love and support (and good meds!!) Some of us break through the darkness to all that is light again.
I hope your inspiring and truthful words help bring the light to others.
Much love as always xxx
BITD
10/01/2015 at 1:15 pm
Thank you Anma x
Pat Palmer
10/01/2015 at 9:09 am
This brought a lump to my throat!
To have the tiniest glimpse into how REAL depression is. Such a world away from a ” I’m having a bad day” depression….
Kate, you really do have a skill…..This is not only articulate but sensitive and full of feeling. You are able to lead the reader into that other world. From someone who has never suffered from this horrendous, debilitating illness it has allowed me to see how it effects a person’s life. How it consumes and takes over a life. How a life is not lived in the way it deserves.
You are living proof that this does NOT define who you are.
BITD
10/01/2015 at 1:17 pm
Thank you Pat. I am happy that the words portray what it is truly like to live one day, depressed. If these pages continue to do this, then my ambition is fulfilled. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. And for your love and support, I am eternally grateful. x
Jade Bennett
10/02/2015 at 4:37 pm
I got told that the way to deal with my clinical depression was to “smile, think positively and consistent happy thoughts”…. People don’t seem to realise how utterly devastating and offensive belittling they can be in addressing a serious condition like depression; after all, you’d never tell an insulin dependent diabetic that happy thoughts will cure them. It’s such a refreshing change, Kate, to read a post so beautifully articulate and descriptive about depression. You have put into words, much more eloquently than I’ve seen before, exactly what it is like to suffer with this debilitating condition, and not just be perceived as being “mopingly self indulgent” as I was also once told.
You write so beautifully and from the heart. This will be my inspiration when I need that *insider* help. Beautiful, Kate x
BITD
11/02/2015 at 1:24 pm
Thank you Jade. Thank you for the feedback, it means alot. Please keep reading xxx