DEPRESSION // A depressing interlude

Little did I know when I started this blog a year ago, that I would be entering into one of the toughest periods of my life. A depression so tough that I didn’t even see it coming. I was unaware how deep I’d gone. I thought I knew the beast. I thought I knew all the signs. But it seems not. I had forgotten how this disease creeps up on you. It also changes it’s spots. A new edge each time.

Physically I was already struggling, when I launched the blog. But I genuinely thought I had a handle on my mental demons. I did not. My depression was mental and physical this time.

I’m so happy to report that I’m coming through the other side now (hopefully!). Thanks mainly to the right medication and mindful techniques. (I will post later about these)

I owe so much to my amazing family, who have held me up during these darkest of days. It’s the longest depression I have ever experienced. So not only was it tough for me to endure, but it has been really hard on my family and friends to watch me fall so deep.  Without their love, patience, care, and support, I’m not sure I would have made it.

It was so important to have this love surrounding me. Even if I could hardly speak to give it back. If you, or someone you love, is going through a similar depression, then I urge you to love them. To let them know you’re there. To tell them you’re not going anywhere. Ensure they feel safe and get them the support they need. The smallest of kindness in a message, makes a world of difference in dark times.

My last serious episode was 12 yrs ago. That was tough. But this time was harder, as I now have physical impairment and my depression manifested itself physically as well as mentally. So even if I had wanted to put my head above the pulpit, I just didn’t have the puff.

I guess I had been crumbling for a number of years. Hanging by a thread. But I just didn’t see it. Hind sight is such an incredible thing. I’m sure those around me were picking up signs. But. Such is this horrendous illness. You don’t always see it.

I won’t go on about what’s been. I want only to move forward now. Another episode bites the dust  (I hope!) There have been many lessons learnt, yet again. And I know I’m stronger for it.

I hope I have been genuine and authentic in my writing during this time. After all, The Beauty in the Darkness is about talking it out. Being honest. Being raw. Showing the most vulnerable parts. Ending the stigma around these crippling diseases. And I hope I have, and will continue to do this.

I didn’t know how vulnerable I would get when it started. But maybe that has been the point. Maybe it’s meant to be. So I could truly travel the path and write through it and about it.

I really never thought I’d be able to write during the toughest days, but the words flowed. It’s been my constant distraction and passion, and I’m forever grateful to you, my followers, for reading the mind-spills of this old girl. So I thank you for riding the waves with me. My apologies for the break in content, I was healing.

Moving forward I will get busy with talking about the best techniques for these dark times. It’s funny how they were so far in the past when I started. A story of yesterday and what I did to manage the condition. Now they are at the forefront of my mind and fresh for sharing.

I want to focus also on the positives. There’s always positives.

I also want to get back to beauty and fashion too. So there will be regular posts.

Thank you for sticking with me my loves. It means the world. Here’s to a new beginning. I have a feeling it’s going to be the best chapter yet.

Onwards my loves. Always. Kiki xox